Are you an enabler?

justonemoreday-thumbnail-3 I received an email yesterday from a parent who has read my previous posts regarding helping and enabling adult children, and is seeking help with her teenage son’s bad attitude and behavior problems. Since her child is not yet an adult, she wonders if those previous posts apply to her situation or not. I’m going to explain the problems that were told to me and what my response was, and I’m counting on you to chime in with your own thoughts and reactions, since she is interested in seeing what my readers will say on the subject.

A mother of a 16-year old teenage boy wrote to me saying that her son has become increasingly disrespectful towards her over the last couple of years, going so far as to cuss and swear at his parents over what she refers to as “trivial matters”. This mother, I’ll call her “Jane”, says that she has always prided herself on doing everything she possibly could to make things as easy on her son as possible, including preparing her son’s school lunches, doing his laundry, cleaning his room, making his bed, giving him spending money etc, but says “nothing I do for my son is appreciated, and he’s always asking for more money and telling his father and I to leave him alone”, followed by the slamming of his bedroom door.

“Jane” discussed the problems with other family members and close friends, and they have all told her that she needs to “learn to let go” of her son and stop controlling his life. She was also told by her husband that she’s “enabling” their son, and that she needs to allow their son to deal with the responsibilities that go with growing up and becoming a responsible adult. Those responses, along with being told that she is “too close” to her son, caused her to begin looking for information about what it means to be an enabler, in order to improve her relationship with her son.

Are You An Enabler?

I was very surprised that Jane continues to do these various chores for her teenage son, including making his lunches, cleaning his room and doing his laundry, even though her son is fully capable of doing these things for himself. Jane was shocked to learn that my now-grown children were taught from a young age how to do their own laundry, and that they began doing it themselves since they were about 10-years old, because I taught them how. I also allowed them the freedom to do these things on their own, so they could feel proud of themselves and their own accomplishments.

child-cleaning-thumbnail-3 I explained to Jane that from the time my children learned how to walk, I began teaching my children everything they needed to know in order to become responsible, independent adults. Each of my children learned how to prepare basic meals, including cooking on the stove, from a very young age. I still remember the excitement in their young voices when they each learned how to make macaroni & cheese, or grilled cheese sandwiches, and the sheer glee of knowing they did it all by themselves (while I carefully observed of course). My sons were not going to grow up with the idea that cooking and cleaning was “women’s work”, and my daughter’s were not going to grow up thinking they “need a man to take care of them”.

Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors

There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, in her work with families, suggests that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?

1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving?

2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”?

3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself?

4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you?

5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain?

6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested – or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person?

7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know?

8. Do you feel protective of this person – even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life?

9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person?

10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help?

11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do?

12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings?

13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do?

14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does?

15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual?

16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments?

17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time?

18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems?

19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems?

20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation?

If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another – or on a regular basis – you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.

Just Say No To Enabling

I am a firm believer in the old saying, “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve fed him for a lifetime.” Does that put me in line for the next “mother of the year award”? No. It only means I take parenting very seriously. It is the responsibility of each and every parent, mothers and fathers alike, to teach and train their children how to become responsible, independent, self-sufficient adults.

child-making-his-bed-thumbnail-3 Very young children can and need to be taught how to pick up after themselves; putting their clothes and toys in their proper place; how to make their bed; how to wash dishes; how to dust and vacuum; how to properly clean a bathroom; how to cook or prepare basic meals, etc. But most importantly, parents must allow their children the needed age-appropriate independence, in order to have pride in their own achievements. When children have learned how to do these basics of living, parents must learn to let go of any controlling tendencies, such as not criticizing their children when chores aren’t completed “perfectly”.

My advice to Jane was that she immediately stop the enabling behaviors, and allow her teenage son to do for himself what he is capable of doing, as well as lovingly teach her son the life-skills that he may be lacking. Looking at the situation from a teenager’s point of view, I can see how Jane’s son might feel oppressed and angry by his mother’s efforts to make things as “easy on him as possible”, and I believe his angry outbursts and door slamming is his way of acting out his frustrations of being controlled. He’s growing up to become a man, and he needs to know that his mother and father have faith and trust in his ability to handle the many responsibilities of being an adult.

Now it’s your turn to add to the discussion by leaving a comment below. Do you have a personal story about helping vs. enabling? What age did you begin teaching your children how to do certain things for themselves? Do you perhaps see yourself as being an enabler? What advice would you give Jane?

Further Reading:

Parenting Without Pressure
Helping and Enabling-Is There A Difference?
Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children?
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

205723471-1-4Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.

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