Closing The Bank Of Mom and Dad

As the cost of living soars, more young adults are turning to their parents for financial help. Sometimes the best help of all is saying no. I recently read an article entitled “Keeping Your Kids

As the cost of living soars, more young adults are turning to their parents for financial help. Sometimes the best help of all is saying no. I recently read an article entitled “Keeping Your Kids Afloat” in the AARP magazine. After reading the article, and visiting the message board associated with the article, and reading many comments from parents and grandparents alike, it is mind-boggling to me.

Excerpts from the article:

Six months after Sue and Jim Pearson of Washington, Indiana, were married, Sue’s daughter, Kimberly, 22, called and said, “I have nowhere else to go. I’m coming home.” Kimberly had been living with her fiance’ and his parents. Then the engagement ended, and her daycare-center job didn’t pay enough to support her.

When Russ Phillips was 19, “he heard there were jobs in Utah, so he just took off,” says his mother, April Phillips, of Reston, Virginia. Armed with a high-school-equivalency diploma, Russ found a series of menial jobs-waiting tables, sorting cans, working as a ranch hand. Sometimes he had to ask his mother to help out with money for food, rent, or a car payment. “I never sent him enough to come home, only enough to solve the problem,” says April, an elementary-school teacher.

Families like the Pearsons and the Phillipses are popping up everywhere these days as young adults confront higher hurdles on the path to independence. Since 1970 the number of adults ages 25 to 34 living in a parent’s home has ballooned by more than 50 percent, to 39 million-and parents, on average, are spending an inflation-adjusted 13 percent more on their grown offspring, reports a University of Michigan study based on Census Bureau data. For many parents the financial strain of this longer haul means postponing retirement, raiding savings, or taking on debt in an effort to help their kids. For all, it means added worry.

“This is a cultural sea change.” says Linda Perlman Gordon, a psychotherapist and coauthor (with Susan Morris Shaffer) of “Mom, Can I Move Back In With You?”, of the phenomenon of parental involvement in grown children’s lives. She and Shaffer use the term adultescence to describe the prolonged period today’s young people spend as no-longer-adolescents and no-quite-adults.

Economic pressures have certainly contributed to greater dependence on the parental pocketbook and homestead. Entry-level salaries have not kept pace with inflation. A booming housing market has made setting up a household beyond the reach of many young adults. And education costs are spiraling upward, saddling the average college graduate with $18,900 in student loans, a 66 percent gain since 1997, according to a study published by loan provider Nellie Mae Corporation.

Some observers think there’s more at play then sheer numbers, however. Grown kids are more dependent on their parents’ money because they have been raised with a sense of entitlement, they say. “Baby-boomer parents tend to be freer with their money than were their own parents, who grew up in the Depression,” points out Jane Adams, author of “When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us”.

“I see young adults struggle with this notion of stepping backward.” says Nathan Dungan, president of Share-Save-Spend, an organization that teaches financial responsibility to families. “They are the first generation that’s been marketed to since they were little children. They’re used to their own rooms and bathrooms. They’re used to eating certain foods and driving in certain cars.”

And they may not know what they’re getting into when a bank offers them a credit card at age 18. Little wonder card balances average $5,000 for 25- to 34-year olds today. For parents, the upshot can be both painful and expensive, as Melissa and Chris Skelton of Las Vegas learned. The Skeltons have always paid their bills on time, so imagine their surprise recently when an application for a zero percent loan on a new Suzuki came back with a counteroffer–a whopping 12 percent interest rate. The reason? Their daughter, Tiffany, 25, had been late with payments four times on her car loan, which Dad had cosigned.

“I love my daughter–she’s awesome, she really is,” Melissa emphasizes. “But this has really hurt us.” Raising Adult Children Not Moochers.

Further Reading:
A Sense of Entitlement
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

205723471-6-2Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.

Categories: Children, Education, Family, Marriage, Men, Parenting, Relationships, Teenagers, Women – Tags: getting adult children to be financially responsible, raising children to be independent